The Saga of the Lost Glove(s)

Dear readers, I begin today’s post with a question for you all.  What suture do you believe would be most appropriate for securing my child’s gloves to his hands for the remainder of the winter?

Figure 1:  I was considering a 3-0 coated vicryl on a reverse cutting needle.  Vicryl is typically absorbed within about 2 months, which should get us through the rest of the winter.  But, I’m open to suggestions.

I kid you not, were it not for the threat of prison (which I would not do well in.  I would be popular, no doubt, but I would not do well)….

Little Isis is now officially on his fourth pair of gloves this winter.  And we are less than two months into winter in this part of our fair country.  We began the season with a cool pair of red gloves that Little Isis picked out himself.  When one of the sporty red gloves was lost after a week, I picked up a cheap pair from Target.  Really, they were one of the last pairs that Target carried as the mothers who knew better had already stocked up on multiple pairs for the season.  Then, when one of those was lost, we went a week or two without gloves until it became cold enough to break out the serious winter jacket.  The serious winter jacket comes with hardcore, attached mittens.  These mittens are no joke.

Except that as of two days ago, one of the mittens is officially MIA. How he got the mitten off of the jacket is beyond me.  I suspect that the mitten may have realized its eventual fate and made a run for it.

Now, frequent readers of this humble blog may remember that my son regularly melts down over a Croc that he lost more than three years ago.  My kid holds vigils for this Croc – a Croc that he has named Friendy.  The gloves, however?  Fuck those bitches!  He thumbs his nose in their general direction. Little Isis cannot be bothered to find room in his cold, black heart for a lost glove.  I am convinced that, come springtime when the snow melts, we are going to find  the playground at his school to be littered with the soggy, mud-crusted remains of all his lost gloves.

Figure 2: Thank you for your bravery, fallen soldier. (source)

Last night, after I learned of the lost glove and that he had been wearing a pair of his friend’s gloves for two days, I confronted the young lad about his apparent disregard for warm winter outerwear.  I, perhaps, expressed dismay that a non-insignificant portion of my grocery budget is being spent to keep this kid in gloves and that, based on current projections, he will need 5 more pairs of gloves before the end of winter.  His response?

“Mommy, don’t get angry at me about this or I am going to call the police.”

What could a mother do except pull her phone from her purse, hand it to her misguided offspring and inform him, “Go right ahead.  But, do you know what happens when the police think that children aren’t cared for?  They take the children away and send them to live with a new family.  I can only hope that this new family is rich so that they can afford your glove habit.”  Thankfully, he had the memory of Friendy the Croc to comfort him because his mother is clearly an uncaring troll of a wench.

And, if I do get thrown in jail over a glove, at least maybe I’ll get a full night’s sleep.

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32 responses to “The Saga of the Lost Glove(s)

  1. Isis the Scientist

    That’s the thing, Alison! The last pair were attached to his coat with the little fastening strings. I have no idea how he got the glove off of the coat, but clearly no mere mortal can stop the mighty Little Isis from losing a glove.

  2. I recently knit gloves for a friend’s kid with a really long chain knit directly to both gloves that could run through the sleeves of the coat. No possible way for the gloves to come off unless you physically cut the thick knit chain with scissors, since the gloves and the chain are all knit from one skein of yarn. Find yourself a little old grandmother to make Little Isis a pair!

  3. Fuck, that looks like the glove that my husband lost, over which he had a screaming meltdown. Problem solved with a new pair, though. As for little isis, maybe this?:

    http://www.suspenderstore.com/snonmicl.html

  4. I used to loose gloves all the time. Eventually my mother started sending me to school in mismatched gloves. It kept my hands warm, and I’ve never had your advanced sense of fashion, so it didn’t really bother me.

    Come to think of it, I still lose gloves, and still wear mismatched pairs.

  5. I second @SugarScientist’s suggestion. In fact, if you make the chains long enough, you can tie them to the tag inside of his coat so that you’d have to lose the coat as well.

  6. cindyscientist

    Packing tape. When I would go outside, my mother would stuff my sleeves into my mittens, whip out the industrial-sized tape dispenser and wrap multiple layers of tape around my wrists. I would slip out of my jacket without taking my gloves off. The best part was snow never creeped up my sleeve. It was awesome.

  7. Idiot strings are what Sugar Scientist describes. Mine weren’t knitted all in one, but they worked. I’ve even used them as an adult, though I’ve become staid enough lately that I don’t need them any more. Much.

    http://idiotstrings.blogspot.com/2007/04/idiot-strings.html

    Apparently it’s a Canadianism, so if you are living in a climate zone where it’s appropriate to send children out with gloves instead of warm and comfy mittens, you can be forgiven for not knowing.

  8. It’s getting near the point that Kmart and various dollar stores will start discounting winter mercandise. If you’re lucky, you might be able to pick up identical, inexpensive pairs of knit gloves. Buy roughly one shitload, and then, as Little Isis loses one, you can just peel another off the glove tree. It’s the same approach I take with socks. If you get enough, it might last you through next Winter, too.

  9. I’ve never heard them called idiot strings before but here across the pond that’s the standard way of attaching a child’s gloves to ensure they don’t lose them… all little kids have them. I did when I was small and I did the same for my own kids and can’t remember ever losing one until they got old enough it wasn’t cool any more…

  10. Mum Scientist

    Sounds quite normal to me, but there again my children seem to have a porpensity to loose their shoes. Honestly, how do you not notice you are missing one shoe!!!!

  11. Another one from over the pond! I really miss when I was little and I used to have my gloves attached a bit of wool that ran through the sleeves and kept them attached to the coat. I should probably still do it as, even now as a big grown up graduate, I have a tendency to lose gloves. And as a bonus, you can have slapping fights with the empty gloves and an equally well-outfitted friend.

  12. My kids and I had fun the other day counting lost gloves on the way to school. We counted 7. It’s a fact of life. Some of them were expensive-looking. My advice, just buy cheap pairs. I might follow Barefoot doctoral and keep the odd ones for mismatched pairs. I loved you brought the Friendy story. It always makes me smile.

  13. Does Little Isis have any favorite older-kids in your neighborhood? See if they have any hand-me-down gloves. That’s the only way my kids’ll hang on to them. Mittens from the store are replaceable, apparently: mittens from beloved neighbors are not.

    Between the two of them, my children have lost this year: two pairs of gloves, two half-pairs of gloves, half a jacket, and a pair of snowpants.

  14. Since the statute of limitations has passed, I can tell you that I pulled the cop card on daughter #2 when she was about 11 and driving me completely bonkers. I told her to “get in the truck!” Ominous words at my house.

    I drove to the police station and parked outside. “OK, here’s the deal: I can go in there and tell them you are a horrible kid, they’ll keep you and I can go home and not have to put up with your crap…You can go in there and tell them I am a horrible dad and they’ll keep me and give you a ride home, and I won’t have to put up with your crap, plus they’ll feed me. Either way is fine with me, but life is too short for me to be mad at you so much and I don’t like it at all. What do you want to do?”

    Dad, can we go home?

    Not unless you change your attitude, I told you I really don’t like being mad at you.

    OK, dad.

    Things were not perfect after that, but they were much better.

  15. Have you ever tried these?
    Mitten clips:

    I’m a Canuck and regularly used them as a child. They attach to the cuff of the sleeve and mitten, are removable, but slightly impossible for kids to mess with. If you threatened him sufficiently, you could probably retain just one pair of gloves for the entire winter with a pair of these suckers.

  16. Maybe the gloves disappear into a realm only children can access. A childspace, if you will..

  17. I applaud your thinking outside the box-ness. We have a similar situation at our house only it is swim goggles. Maybe they have run off with Little Isis’s glove?? My question is – are those sutures waterproof and just how close to the eye do you think I can safely stitch?
    Ginger

  18. My friend’s solution to this problem was to make friends with the school secretary. 24/7 access to the lost and found and… occasionally a “Here- just take these. They’ll be back in the lost and found in a couple of days anyway.”

  19. I buy multiple pairs of the same cheap mitten. Then I use puffy fabric paint to write their names on them. And then I hope that the rights and the lefts get lost in nearly equal proportion. (And have another glass of wine.)

  20. I used to have the strings. Whenever they snapped my mum would just tie them back together. Eventually I was walking around with my hands pulled all the way back to my shoulders like a velociraptor toddler.

  21. I’m assuming he keeps losing the same-handed glove. Otherwise, I’m assuming, by now, that he is wearing odd gloves. Maybe it is a cool new fashion.

    But @jenwhalen – HALF a jacket?????????????????????

    d.

  22. Man, I am glad that I’m not the only mother who has whipped out the phone, and done the old “Do it! Do it! They’ll take you away and slam your ass with some family who will tie you to a stick and use you as a mop head!” when threatened with a call to the police. My spawn is now a college freshman, and still trembles at the memories…..

  23. A friend of mine started this company (http://groovytags.com/) to help lost mittens and gloves find their way home. As stated above most end up in the Lost and Found at school and are never claimed again.

    And I agree with d. – @jenwhalen how in the hell does someone lose HALF a jacket?!

  24. Those lost and found boxes at schools everywhere must be a goldmine of clothes. In our part of the world it is sun-hats (removed when the kids come inside, or when it rains occasionally) and sweaters (removed when the sun comes out). The school puts out the boxes for the kids to rummage through to find their lost stuff, but still the boxes remain full.

    d.

  25. Just tell the little fucker if he loses another pair of gloves, then he just doesn’t get any fucken gloves!

  26. Mr. Isis: A childspace? Seriously? You are threatening to open a big can of worms here…

  27. ““Mommy, don’t get angry at me about this or I am going to call the police.”
    WAIT!!!

    did you steal this from Southpark? when all the kids got their parents arrested? and turned the town into that Star Trek village were the kids die off at puberty?

    or has lil Isis been watching South Park by himself?

  28. also re gloves .. just have Lil ISIS go to the lost and found and pick out the hand he is missing…

    you can coach him.. “Oh yes.. this looks like it!”

  29. Go to “Sierra Trading Post”, they have extremely discounted gear of all sorts. I usually buy my kids 3 pairs of gloves to last the winter.

  30. Go to “Sierra Trading Post”, they have extremely discounted gear of all sorts.

    and a Christian message on each of the catalog pages! bonus!

  31. Hey I was very amused by this story throughout. And, then, I got to the part about calling the police, and, OMG, my daughter threatened to do that just yesterday (and she is 11). Because after the 4th time she picked up a book in the middle of our conversation I told her that she wasn’t going to be allowed to read any more until I gave her permission.

    (might have been motivated by the NY times article on the kid left alone in the hotel room in Las Vegas who called 911)

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