Dear readers, I begin today’s post with a question for you all. What suture do you believe would be most appropriate for securing my child’s gloves to his hands for the remainder of the winter?
Figure 1: I was considering a 3-0 coated vicryl on a reverse cutting needle. Vicryl is typically absorbed within about 2 months, which should get us through the rest of the winter. But, I’m open to suggestions.
I kid you not, were it not for the threat of prison (which I would not do well in. I would be popular, no doubt, but I would not do well)….
Little Isis is now officially on his fourth pair of gloves this winter. And we are less than two months into winter in this part of our fair country. We began the season with a cool pair of red gloves that Little Isis picked out himself. When one of the sporty red gloves was lost after a week, I picked up a cheap pair from Target. Really, they were one of the last pairs that Target carried as the mothers who knew better had already stocked up on multiple pairs for the season. Then, when one of those was lost, we went a week or two without gloves until it became cold enough to break out the serious winter jacket. The serious winter jacket comes with hardcore, attached mittens. These mittens are no joke.
Except that as of two days ago, one of the mittens is officially MIA. How he got the mitten off of the jacket is beyond me. I suspect that the mitten may have realized its eventual fate and made a run for it.
Now, frequent readers of this humble blog may remember that my son regularly melts down over a Croc that he lost more than three years ago. My kid holds vigils for this Croc – a Croc that he has named Friendy. The gloves, however? Fuck those bitches! He thumbs his nose in their general direction. Little Isis cannot be bothered to find room in his cold, black heart for a lost glove. I am convinced that, come springtime when the snow melts, we are going to find the playground at his school to be littered with the soggy, mud-crusted remains of all his lost gloves.
Figure 2: Thank you for your bravery, fallen soldier. (source)
Last night, after I learned of the lost glove and that he had been wearing a pair of his friend’s gloves for two days, I confronted the young lad about his apparent disregard for warm winter outerwear. I, perhaps, expressed dismay that a non-insignificant portion of my grocery budget is being spent to keep this kid in gloves and that, based on current projections, he will need 5 more pairs of gloves before the end of winter. His response?
“Mommy, don’t get angry at me about this or I am going to call the police.”
What could a mother do except pull her phone from her purse, hand it to her misguided offspring and inform him, “Go right ahead. But, do you know what happens when the police think that children aren’t cared for? They take the children away and send them to live with a new family. I can only hope that this new family is rich so that they can afford your glove habit.” Thankfully, he had the memory of Friendy the Croc to comfort him because his mother is clearly an uncaring troll of a wench.
And, if I do get thrown in jail over a glove, at least maybe I’ll get a full night’s sleep.