Attempts and Pregnancy – Failure #1

You may remember several weeks ago I wrote that I had been distant in part because Mr. Isis and I are trying to have a baby. Early last month we went up to our vacation spot and tried to conceive Little Isis v2.0. Or, rather, I happened to be fertile during the period we were scheduled to be at the Isis family vacation spot. Believe me. My ideal conception story does not involved a sunburned Isis having sex missionary style in a room nestled between Mr. Isis’s parents and 90+ year old grandmother. Especially when Grandma Isis’s hearing is still spot on.

What I haven’t told you is that toward the end of July I saw two blue lines. I told Mr. Isis, some friends, and Dr. Triple Threat, who I tell most things. Then on Friday my lower back started to hurt. On Saturday I felt generally like ass. On Sunday I started to have some bleeding, and by this morning I looked like Carrie.

You might remember that I am in the process of moving labs. Today I had a meeting with the facilities manager and some folks from the physical plant who will renovate the space to fit our needs. The problem is that we have to be out of our old space and in to our new space in three weeks. So, these renovations have to happen fast. What do I decide to do?

Go to the meeting.

There I stood all morning, crampy and with embryo falling out of me, deciding where I want our new MilliPore water system, how many 220V outlets we need, and what kind of floor we’d like. All the while, Dr. Triple Threat kept asking me if I was alright. Somehow that dude can read me. I was crampy and uncomfortable. I told him he could come by my office later. When he did and I told him what was up, he told me to go home.

But the question was, go home and do what? Sit aorund? Feel sorry for myself? Watch some Tyra Banks and eat Haagen Daz? While their rum raisin is my favorite, I just am not sure what I was supposed to do at home, other than maybe work on a manuscript. Unless someone has created a new kit for at home uterine repair, I am not sure what I am supposed to do at home.

I told Dr. Triple Threat as much. He chuckled and told me, “Well at least don’t lift anything.”

I don’t think that will be a problem.

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69 responses to “Attempts and Pregnancy – Failure #1

  1. Oh my dear Dr.Isis. My heart sank when I saw the title of your post. I am so so sorry. What does one do in the situation? I just don’t know. Many hugs to you.

  2. Sorry to hear about that :(. *hugs*

  3. You couldn’t even do THAT, since there aren’t going to be any new episodes of Tyra as of like a month or two ago.
    I’m sorry, Isis. :( Next month is another month as good as any other month.

  4. Oh, Isis, I am so sorry. I think wine was my only consolation back at Christmas when Hubby and I went through this, and it certainly wasn’t a very good one. :( Hugs to you and Mr. Isis.

  5. Dr. Isis, I’m so sorry. I had an early miscarriage before having my daughter and was unprepared for the depth of sadness I felt. Wishing you all good things.

  6. be kind to yourself, Isis. i’m thinking of you.

  7. The Gregarious Misanthrope

    My deepest sympathies, Isis. We are 50% on pregnancies here: 2 kids, 2 miscarriages. The fact that miscarriages are common doesn’t make them any more bearable. All the best to you and Mr. Isis. Don’t be surprised if Little Isis picks up on it, he seems to be a bright one.

  8. Oh, so sad to hear it, Isis. You’re in my thoughts.
    You’re a brave lady for posting it, too.

  9. Oh, so sad to hear it, Isis. You’re in my thoughts.
    You’re a brave lady for posting it, too.

  10. Oh, so sad to hear it, Isis. You’re in my thoughts.
    You’re a brave lady for posting it, too.

  11. Oh, so sad to hear it, Isis. You’re in my thoughts.
    You’re a brave lady for posting it, too.

  12. Shit shit shit. Many virtual hugs to you.

  13. Crap. I’m sorry. Take some ibuprofen and enjoy that rum raisin.

  14. I’m so sorry Dr Isis.
    And I totally get the “Go home? Go home and do what? What exactly?” feeling.
    Hope you get lots of hugs.

  15. Agree with #8 – you are very brave for sharing your personal highs and lows with us (mere mortals that we are).
    Please do not think of ‘failure’ – you have done nothing wrong!!
    All the best for the future, and cyber-hugs from across the ocean.
    d.

  16. Damn. I’m so sorry.

  17. I’m sorry, Isis.

  18. So sorry. I hate that for you.

  19. That’s really rotten luck. (Although I think your boss sounds like a darling!). I hope you won’t let this discourage you from trying again, as you sound like an excellent mother. In the meantime, hugs to you from us here, and cuddle little Isis lots.

  20. Sharon Astyk

    I’m so sorry – prayers and good wishes, and tons of mental motrin!

  21. So sorry to hear that.

  22. I’m so sorry Isis.

  23. I’m so sorry. Virtual hugs from the middle of the Mitten.

  24. So sorry Isis.

  25. Sorry to hear about this :(

  26. I’m of the lay in bed feeling sorry for myself type. You’ve got some inner strength that I don’t possess. Hang in there.

  27. So very sorry, Isis.

  28. Sorry to hear that Isis, shit doesn’t spare good people. My thoughts an best wishes are with you and Mr. Isis.

  29. Sorry Isis. And, thanks for reminding everyone that everyone copes in their own way (hospital scenes in TV shows always bug me, as though anyone would actually want to lie in a hospital bed, watching bad television and eating bad food as their method of coping).

  30. Triple Threat is a college, right, not a boss. But, I’m glad he’s sympathetic enough to tell you to cope, and not get in the lab and move some heavy stuff around.

  31. Really very sorry to hear this. Glad you have found your own way to cope, in true Goddess style.

  32. I just learned that I lost my No 3 (empty sack at 8 weeks). I know exactly how you feel. It sucks ass.
    Big hug.

  33. So sorry, Isis. Hugs to you.

  34. lifesciencegirl

    I’m so sorry to hear this :( We’ve been trying to get those blue lines for over a year and are having some issues. I’m extremely paranoid about this being the result once I do see dual blues.
    Thank you for sharing with us. Many women keep these things to themselves (hell, I probably would) but it may help someone not feel so alone.

  35. Thanks for posting this. When my wife miscarried pretty far along we were both very sad. Later, when she miscarried earlier in a pregnancy, it didn’t seem so bad to me because it was never real to me, but to her it was very depressing. And with a third time (again early), it was very awful for her. The depression was such that she didn’t write the papers she needed and didn’t get tenured. The depression was crushing for her. She blamed herself for the miscarriages, even though she new they were not her fault.
    Again thanks for blogging this. It is sure to help those going through similar experiences just to hear you talk about it.
    Also, my sympathies to you and your family.

  36. So sorry to hear about your loss. I remember getting the same advice during fellowship and having the same reaction. Staying home wasn’t going to accomplish anything but allowing me to fixate on the miscarriage. Reading immunofluorescent kidney biopsies kept my mind on a different kind of misery.
    Take care- Hugs.

  37. :( I’m so sorry. ((hugs))

  38. I realize I’ll likely never be in a situation to be able to empathize with you on this topic, but I really am sorry to hear about it.
    I don’t know if it helps, but my mother had two very bad pregnancies – one with my older sister, who ended up 6 weeks early with all sorts of problems, and then a second that ended in a miscarriage. The doctor told her she’d likely not be able to carry to term again, and less than a year later I was born (not only full-term but 4 weeks late).
    I doubt it helps much, but people are pulling for you and sending many different kinds of good vibes your way.

  39. So sorry, Isis. Really and truly. Just had my third very early m/c in May/June. It’s SO harsh, even when it’s early on in a pregnancy. I salute you for sharing what reality IS in a public forum like this. It’s hard to say out loud, hard to type, hard to hit publish, but the support garnered along the way has been worth it in my case. All three times. Peace to you and Mr. Isis – you go right ahead and do whatever feels right at the time. It’s a mindfuck, at best.

  40. Hah! I went to share this on FB, and my word verification captcha thing was “THE TOKE.” So…yeah, whatever feels good!

  41. Ugh. Dammit. So very sorry. I’ve had two miscarriages and always thought it would be theoretically possible for me to survive up to three, but not more than that. Thank FSM I haven’t had to test this theory.
    One thing I discovered the first time was that it’s like sexual assault in that many, many more of our sisters have experienced this type of tragedy than we realize. Not that it helps when you’re going through it, but many of us know what it’s like and are with you in spirit. Hugs.

  42. Incredibly sorry to hear this. If it makes you feel a little better, think about an ovum sitting in Old Lefty that’s gonna be retarded happy to get sperm’d, and it’s gonna be flippin’ sweet. [At least that’s what my mom told me for my failed attempts to conceive.]

  43. I’m sorry.

  44. Sorry to read about the loss but mucho kuddos to you for having the guts to talk about it, that sort of thing is typically tabbo and it really should not be. We are excited to be pregnant and we are sad when it does not work out. Real people have real emotions.

  45. The Gregarious Misanthrope

    To extend the conversation a bit… If you and your Sig. O. experience a miscarriage, it can be really, really hard to hear others’ happy talk about their pregnancies or kids. Generally, if they know about it, they’ll save the happy talk for some other time. It is a very natural, and unfortunate, human reaction to be mad, jealous, what have you, about what you hear. It is hard not to feel joy for someone else who is feeling it herself and can even make you mad at yourself. You really are in a bind. Do you shoot daggers at them even though they don’t know what you’ve been through? Do you tell them about the miscarriage in the midst of their happy talk and burst their bubble? Both options seem poor. I certainly don’t have any answers, just hoping we can all recognize that this happens and to have some human understanding and compassion both ways.
    Isis, I hope you don’t end up in one of these situations. Seems less likely for you, though, since pretty much everybody knows. And that’s a good thing.

  46. I’m sad to hear about what happened. I hope things take a turn for the better soon.

  47. I am so sorry. *hugs*

  48. My heart goes out to you.
    I think the worst thing about early miscarriages is that there are few people to mourn with you because almost no one knew in the first place. You’re lucky that Dr. Triple-Threat is so understanding (even though his reaction might not have been the right one).
    The things I heard after my two early miscarriages were “That meant the baby wouldn’t have survived anyway” and “Well, at least you weren’t too far along.” Both of which were true, of course, but insensitive nonetheless–I was grieving a loss, for crying out loud!
    I concur with Pascale–go get something done. It won’t take your mind off it completely, but at least you won’t be completely absorbed by self-pity. And please accept a ((HUG)) from all of us who have BTDT and are weeping with you.

  49. My condolences on your loss. I understand the sentiment of staying at work. I’ve stayed at work during chronic pain when going home wouldn’t alleviate it. Not the same, but I get where you’re coming from.

  50. D: damn so sorry Isis

  51. In the interest of emphasizing how very common this is to other commenters, I’ll admit that I’ve had one as well. I don’t know if it was actually comforting to me to hear how common it was, but it did make me want other women to know that just because they’re young and healthy doesn’t mean they’re good to go. Nothing’s a guarantee, which I don’t think should scare people; I think if I had even been aware of the possibility, it just might not have been so emotionally shocking.
    @UnlikelyGrad: We were so excited that we told a lot of friends, who eventually told everyone in our church, so when we lost it I think it was much harder. I had a lot of old people who didn’t get the second memo come up to congratulate me, and lots of pitying looks.
    It didn’t help things that I had FIVE girlfriends that got pregnant within a couple of months of me. It seemed like the entire world went into baby mode as soon as we lost it.
    I’m so sorry.

  52. Isis – I am so sorry for your loss. When I had an early miscarriage, I had the same sort of “go home and do what?” reaction. It was better for me to work rather than obsess.

  53. A Frequent Reader

    The scary part is trying again after a miscarriage. If you don’t have kids, then you keep on trying… But once you have kids, and miscarriages happen, when do you say stop? I wish some readers who have had multiple children as well as miscarriages would say a thing or two about when (if ever) you say ‘enough trying’…
    I have two beautiful healthy boys and recently lost my third pregnancy in the 1st trimester. Even before getting pregnant the 3rd time, we were feeling that we are being greedy, wanting a third child; now we are wondering if we should take this miscarriage as a sign to quit. I really want another child, but maybe we should really love what we have already and move on…
    Isis, I am not sure there is much anyone can say to help you feel better… I know it helps me to read about other people’s experiences. Take some time to heal. Enjoy lots of Little Isis kisses… And then try again.

  54. @A Frequent Reader: Not my personal experience (I just started trying for #1), but my mother had a miscarriage on pregnancy #3. Not only that, but they screwed up the D&C, punctured a hole in her uterus, and sucked up an ovary, a fallopian tube, and part of her colon! But just a few months after all that she conceived my brother.

  55. Mrs.Dr.Buttercup

    Little did Dr. TT know when he said “don’t do any lifting” that the lifting would come in the words of support and care from all of us little darlings.
    Thinking of you Isis!!!!

  56. So I raised the topic of miscarriage over at She Thought, where I am a contributor. Good discussion.
    Hope you are healing…
    http://shethought.com/2010/08/06/speaking-of-miscarriage/

  57. I saw your sad news. I am so sorry for you both. After an uneventful and first time leading to the birth of a daughter, we went through five miscarriages before a successful ver. 2.0. He graduated from college last Dec.
    As a physiologist you know the numbers, but it doesn’t keep away the sense of loss. Hang in there and have a positive attitude.

  58. I am so sorry. That is one of the hazards of actually trying to conceive – we actually know how often we’re really miscarrying, which is more often than many people realize. Those two blue lines are a lot of hope, and that hope can be really shittily dashed.
    I remember miscarrying while taking a biology exam. I took the exam. I had a lab later on that afternoon. I went up to the TA and told her I was miscarrying, and she looked at me as if she had no idea how to respond. She didn’t know if she had the authority to let me miss the lab for that reason. I told her I was going home, and I really didn’t care if it was written in some syllabus somewhere whether or not it was OK. Ugh.
    Good luck with future attempts, and I hope you get to do the conceiving part in a place with more privacy and less sunburn.

  59. My sympathies. Same thing happened to me a couple of months ago, and sitting around inbetween bouts of contractions that expelled yet another wave of bloody carnage was like watching paint dry.
    Who knew it could take so damn long?

  60. rum raison was my fav in haiti. then i got pg w/la interna. then i had to leave revolution haiti. then i never ate run raison. then…

  61. I am very sorry to hear of your loss. When it happened to me, I went home and I wallowed. Did it do any good? No, but it was all I could do at the time. The hardest part was feeling like I couldn’t tell anyone in my department (mostly older male profs, including my chair) what had happened, just that I was having “a medical problem”.
    Reading your most recent post about this week, all I have to say is that you are very strong. Good luck in everything.

  62. MissSugarpants

    Dear Goddess
    MrSugarpants and I are very sorry to hear of your loss.
    “Hugs” from us to you and Mr.Isis-

  63. I read this blog sporadically and don’t comment. But I felt like saying something. I have been there too so I know what it’s like. Reading about others’ experiences in the comments was really good for me. It’s amazing how little this is discussed, even though it’s so common!
    When I had my mc, I did hide for a few days and then had to get on with life. I was moving abroad and starting a new job and I sort of did not have a choice but get up and get going… In a way, I think it was good to keep busy. I don’t know what it would’ve been like if I had more of a normal routine at that time.
    There was a time I was on the couch watching America’s Next Top Model on youtube with ice cream in hand. That was when I was obsessively refreshing my email in the hopes of getting a “we are delighted to offer you a tenure track position at our fabulous university” type email. The email came eventually, but I don’t think Tyra had anything to do with it. I did learn all about smiling with your eyes, though…
    Keep doing what you’re doing. All the best, Alice

  64. Pingback: Motherhood Won and Lost: One Woman’s Story of Miscarriage | Pregnancy Guide

  65. Pingback: Motherhood Won and Lost: One Woman’s Story of Miscarriage | Tenure, She Wrote

  66. Pingback: Motherhood Won and Lost: One Woman’s Story of Miscarriage | Kathryn B. H. Clancy, PhD

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